Happy New Year

I have just got back from the gym.. dirty, tired and upset, I took off my shoes, kicked them aside and leaving the door opened, I  made my way towards my desk. I threw aside my groceries I bought on the way, and turned on my laptop. I went through the Facebook status of my friends, and took a deep breath. Sigh, today is 31^st of December 2012, it’s the countdown night. I went through their photos, and they seemed to be very happy now, I could not bare looking at those. I stood up, went to the sink and washed my face. I took off my dirty clothes, and put on my worn out white tank and short, and sat on the bed. I could hear the sound of the tapwater dripping, chatters of my neighbours, and the faint sound of the Azan, calling for the Maghrib prayer. The weather is chilly.. the cold northern wind is blowing, dried leaves and sticks litters in front of my porch. The sight gave me the kind of feeling, as if I am all alone here. I stared to the empty wall, with the white paints peeling all over, and ugly pen marks made by the previous occupants.. I looked around me, aged old furnitures, worn out bedsheet, rusty kettle, few candles, spider webs at the corners of my room. Suddenly, the phone rings, mom’s calling. Perhaps its gonna one consolation for me, but alas, the coverage was bad, we didn’t manage to talk much.

And then I asked myself. “What the heck am I doing here? Why am I here? How much longer can I be able to bear this?” The answers are obvious. I am studying here. I am here because there is no other place. Whether I can bear it or not, I have to stay as long as it takes until I achieve my mission. But I simply could not help of feeling bad now. Instead of being with my family and friends, here I am in this small room. My conscience is trying to comfort me, reminding me of things that I am already aware of. I wish I could just tell it to shut up and let me mellow. I started to reminisce.

Throughout 2012, my life only revolved around the University of Peshawar campus, dealing with the issues of my studies or things related to it only. I achieved many things.  I completed my 27 Credit Hours PhD Coursework, I got 3.9 CGPA, I collected 60% of my Data, I have completed my research proposal, my aims of research and thesis outline are clear. The biggest problem I had in 2012 was my Visa, of which with the help of the Malaysian High Commission it got settled. So, I think I didn’t so bad anyway. However, my life throughout this year consist of the same routine EVERYDAY. Holiday or no holiday, weekends or weekdays. I did the same thing, spoke to the same people, ate the same variety of food, and got annoyed for the same reasons (ill make an another entry on this next time).

Everyday I wake up at 5, prepare my coffee, work on my research, prepared my breakfast and lunch, and 8 I go to the department, meet my professor, at 11 I went back to my room, eat my lunch, take my nap. At 1.30 I go to the gym, at 4 I come back, eat my dinner, study, sleep and I wake up at 5 in the morning the next day and repeat. I walk pass the same route everyday. International Hall>Department of Archaeology>International Hall>Gym>International Hall, with very few exceptions when I have to buy my groceries, like today.

And then, the people. I have a very limited social circle. Mueez, Wahab, Zafar, Prof Nasim, Ghani, Khurshid, and the Meat Seller. And the topic of conversation is the same. “Hai leee Muez, what work have u done last night? What did Ijlal (his cousin) cooked for u?”, “haa wahab, we are doing shoulder today”, “Zafar, I am stressed I want to go back to Malaysia, why is this happening to me?”,  “Khurshid, u think my arms are getting bigger? Am I lifting this correctly? Six months and I want to become like Aziz”, “salaam ghani, where is prof? why there is nobody here yet?”, “hi prof, today I have only completed this part, ill work harder after this. Yes yes prof I will do I will do”, “Caca, yau bara chicken raka, chota chota piece cut wokeeh? Somra pese? (uncle give me one big chicken, cut into small piece, how much is it? )”. Those are my conversations for one year.

But there are some highlights of this year for instance my archaeological survey in North-West Pakistan, the International Conference where my Director from Malaysia came to visit me. So, these are the things that I do in 2012.  Am I happy with those? I can’t say that I really am.

Now, looking further back, when I was in Malaysia. I pretty much had some routines also, though they were different. Monday-Friday I would be studying, and Saturday and Sunday, I would be enjoying myself, either with my parents or my friends. I got to get out at night, chatting with my friends, having shisha, gossiping, and there were lots of places for me to go and hang out. Varieties of food to eat, plenty of friends to talk to. Strangely enough, when I was doing all that, I didn’t seem to appreciate them at all. In fact, to my utmost shame and regret, I said that I wanted to do something different, and I couldn’t wait to leave Malaysia. And now I am in Peshawar, as I wished, and I am telling everyone that I want to go back? What kind of sick person am I?  And even before I did my masters, my social life was even more interesting. Those who knew me know what I did. And yet, during that time, I still feel some sort of emptiness in me.

It took a while for me to realize this. Wherever we are, whatever we do, there will always be problems, there will always be reasons for us to be unhappy. Everything depends on how we relate and react to our situations. Back in Malaysia, instead of saying that the life there is empty, I should have said that the life there was easy.  It just depends on how I relate. Here, instead of saying that the life here is boring and stressfull, I should say that the life here is full of adventure. It just depend on how I relate. Learning for all these, am I going to receive the absolute happiness once I completed my study and go back to Malaysia? Of course the answer is No.

Before I am in Peshawar I was having different kind of problems. When I came here, are my problems solved? Well yea, but here I receive different problems. Once I go back to Malaysia, I certainly will be receiving again different problems. So, in order for us to be happy, we must know how to see things differently. If we are to find a perfect place and situation where there is an absolute happiness, I have a bad news for u people, u can wait till the kingdom comes and ull never be happy.  Well, I think I have already exhausted this topic.

Enjoy your holiday, and Happy New Year.

My 1st anniversary in Peshawar

It was 30^th December 2011, Friday morning. The minute I woke up, I knew it was the last time I’ll see the sunrise on my beloved homeland. I woke up, took my shower, put on my clothes. I was wearing jeans and t-shirt, sport shoes and a green sweater. All my luggages were already packed. I could still remember how overwhelmed I was, full of enthusiasm, full of hope. After years of working really hard to get my Master’s Degree in USM, months of preparation for the scholarship and university registration, the day finally came. It was my dream, I finally was leaving for the University of Peshawar, Pakistan. It is the best place to study archaeology, with the best experts in Epigraphy, Palaeography and Sanskrit language. The province itself is a goldmine for archaeologist. I felt as if I have accomplished my mission in life.

At around 11.00 am, my parents loaded the luggages into the car. Before I stepped into the car, I took one final gaze to my home.. and then we left. If I knew how much I will miss my home, I would have stayed longer. So we made our way to the airport. The journey was smooth. Throughout the journey, I was lost in thought, thinking about what to expect when I arrive in Peshawar. Once we arrived in the airport, my best friend Aiza with her two kids were already there. I went to check in, got my boarding pass, and stayed in coffee bean and McD with Aiza and my family. I was having a mixed feelings. Excited, happy, and worried.  However, I didn’t have the slight feeling of sadness at all. I did not realize what I would be facing after leaving Malaysia. I thought that once I left, all my problems are over. I thought that I will have a better life in Pakistan. All the time, I was talking to Aiza and my family about the trip. I felt as if I was the luckiest guy on earth to be awarded this prestigious ASTS scholarship. After chatting for 2 hours, the time had came. I hugged my parents, gave Aiza and her kids a handshake, and bid my final farewell. At that moment, the overwhelming excitement made me failed to realize that I will not be seeing them for a long time.

I went through the passport control, and waited for the flight to Kuala Lumpur. After waiting for more than one hour, I finally boarded the flight, and arrived in KL 40 minutes later. Once I arrived in KLIA, I went to a restaurant, and ate Malaysian food for the last time. I had some boiled rice, masak lemak chili api, nasi lemak and roti canai. The food was great. While waiting for my flight to Dubai, I was texting and calling my friends to say Goodbye. All of them congratulated me for my “success”. I also did some shopping, bought some t-shirts and perfumes. After few hours, I checked in for my flight to Dubai. So, that was the last time I step foot on that blessed land I call MALAYSIA. I boarded into the plane, and after 7 hours of flight,  I finally arrived in Dubai. In the Dubai Airport, I waited there for 3 hours. As I arrived, excitement turned to worry. I didn’t know what to expect there. Is Pakistan like India? How cold is it? How are the people? How is the food? Strangely enough, those questions did not come to my mind before I left Malaysia.

After 3 hours of waiting, I finally boarded the plane to Peshawar. I saw people wearing the strange cloths that I have never seen before. I felt intimidated by them. But then, I manage to control my feelings. Although I was very tired, I could not sleep during the flight. I was worried. Finally, I arrived in Peshawar. I could not explain my feelings here. It was very complicated. I was happy, afraid, worried, sad, excited and enthusiastic. Once I step out off the plane, it was around 7 in the morning, and it was really cold. On the way from the plane to the airport, on left and right, I saw uniformed people, holding heavy arms, and covering their faces. I felt extremely uneasy.

Once I entered the airport, it was a very long queue. After waiting for almost an hour, the very nice immigration officer stamped my passport. I collected my luggage, and while I had it scanned, I saw Zafar Hayat Khan, the lecturer who was supposed to pick me up. I was very happy to see him. So, i went out, greeted him, shaked and kissed his hand. He brought my luggage outside the airport, and I was a bit surprised to see the conditions outside there. He loaded my luggages into the car, and we went off to the campus. Throughout the journey, I was amazed by the new environment. I saw horses and donkeys on the road. I was very happy with the cold weather, and took off my sweater. And then, when I arrived in the campus, looking at the guest house, I was not very happy. The room looked old, and there was no electricity. I put down my bag, and went to the bathroom. The water was very cold, and I didn’t even know how to use the heater. I refreshed myself, and soon Zafar Hayat returned to my room and we went for breakfast. The food was weird. The cafeteria looked very old, with strange chairs and tables. I had roti fried in oil eaten with egg. I had never seen that before. And then Zafar brought me to the department. I saw Prof. Nasim for the first time. I greeted him, bow down and kissed his hand. After that day, my life in Peshawar started.

It has been exactly one year already. I have gone through all the hardships. The most difficult things that I went through here was issues on my study visa, problems to adapt with the local culture here, the food, the administrative problems, security problems as well as missing my family. Before I came to Peshawar, I was naïve, soft spoken, almost innocent, too much dependant on other people, extravagant, ignorant, and also a coward. Being here is not easy. I am the only Malaysian living in this province. But all the hardships changed me.

I am a different person now. In this one year, I learned the true meaning of friendship, sacrifice and honour. I really learn what is hardship, and how to live with dignity. I learned how to defend myself and my honour, even through violence. I learn how to manage my anger and how to be patient. I also learn the value of the things I took for granted back in Malaysia. Yes, I am a different person now. I am having a short temper, a strong heart and mind, I am resilient and nothing can break me now. Soon, I will be back to Malaysia, but the way I see things will be different. I will not perceive reality as I used to anymore. Even my definition of right and wrong is different now.

However, I am a still a Malaysian.  My Malay soul yearns to be in the presence of my people. I crave to breath in the sweet sea breeze of the beaches of Penang. I want prostrate myself and kiss the sacred ground of my motherland. I still dream of the lush green jungles and mountains, the aroma of fried salted fish in the Malay Kampungs , the sound of pounding stones for Sambal Belacan,  the laughs and chatters of Makciks in my departments. I will trade everything to get all that again. But, I am here for a purpose.  I am here to seek knowledge, so that I can serve my country in the future. All these sacrifices are not for nothing, one day my country will benefit from this. My loyalty and oath that I will serve my motherland one day remains in my heart. The hope is not lost. The hope that one day I will be back, keeps me going.