I have just got back from the
gym.. dirty, tired and upset, I took off my shoes, kicked them aside and
leaving the door opened, I made my way
towards my desk. I threw aside my groceries I bought on the way, and turned on
my laptop. I went through the Facebook status of my friends, and took a deep
breath. Sigh, today is 31st of December 2012, it’s the countdown
night. I went through their photos, and they seemed to be very happy now, I
could not bare looking at those. I stood up, went to the sink and washed my
face. I took off my dirty clothes, and put on my worn out white tank and short,
and sat on the bed. I could hear the sound of the tapwater dripping, chatters
of my neighbours, and the faint sound of the Azan, calling for the Maghrib
prayer. The weather is chilly.. the cold northern wind is blowing, dried leaves
and sticks litters in front of my porch. The sight gave me the kind of feeling,
as if I am all alone here. I stared to the empty wall, with the white paints
peeling all over, and ugly pen marks made by the previous occupants.. I looked
around me, aged old furnitures, worn out bedsheet, rusty kettle, few candles,
spider webs at the corners of my room. Suddenly, the phone rings, mom’s
calling. Perhaps its gonna one consolation for me, but alas, the coverage was
bad, we didn’t manage to talk much.
And then I asked myself. “What
the heck am I doing here? Why am I here? How much longer can I be able to bear
this?” The answers are obvious. I am studying here. I am here because there is
no other place. Whether I can bear it or not, I have to stay as long as it
takes until I achieve my mission. But I simply could not help of feeling bad
now. Instead of being with my family and friends, here I am in this small room.
My conscience is trying to comfort me, reminding me of things that I am already
aware of. I wish I could just tell it
to shut up and let me mellow. I started to reminisce.
Throughout 2012, my life only
revolved around the University of Peshawar campus, dealing with the issues of
my studies or things related to it only. I achieved many things. I completed my 27 Credit Hours PhD
Coursework, I got 3.9 CGPA, I collected 60% of my Data, I have completed my
research proposal, my aims of research and thesis outline are clear. The biggest
problem I had in 2012 was my Visa, of which with the help of the Malaysian High
Commission it got settled. So, I think I didn’t so bad anyway. However, my life
throughout this year consist of the same routine EVERYDAY. Holiday or no holiday,
weekends or weekdays. I did the same thing, spoke to the same people, ate the
same variety of food, and got annoyed for the same reasons (ill make an another
entry on this next time).
Everyday I wake up at 5, prepare my
coffee, work on my research, prepared my breakfast and lunch, and 8 I go to the
department, meet my professor, at 11 I went back to my room, eat my lunch, take
my nap. At 1.30 I go to the gym, at 4 I come back, eat my dinner, study, sleep
and I wake up at 5 in the morning the next day and repeat. I walk pass the same
route everyday. International Hall>Department of Archaeology>International
Hall>Gym>International Hall, with very few exceptions when I have to buy
my groceries, like today.
And then, the people. I have a
very limited social circle. Mueez, Wahab, Zafar, Prof Nasim, Ghani, Khurshid, and
the Meat Seller. And the topic of conversation is the same. “Hai leee Muez,
what work have u done last night? What did Ijlal (his cousin) cooked for u?”, “haa
wahab, we are doing shoulder today”, “Zafar, I am stressed I want to go back to
Malaysia, why is this happening to me?”, “Khurshid, u think my arms are getting bigger?
Am I lifting this correctly? Six months and I want to become like Aziz”, “salaam
ghani, where is prof? why there is nobody here yet?”, “hi prof, today I have
only completed this part, ill work harder after this. Yes yes prof I will do I will
do”, “Caca, yau bara chicken raka, chota chota piece cut wokeeh? Somra pese?
(uncle give me one big chicken, cut into small piece, how much is it? )”. Those
are my conversations for one year.
But there are some highlights of
this year for instance my archaeological survey in North-West Pakistan, the
International Conference where my Director from Malaysia came to visit me. So,
these are the things that I do in 2012. Am
I happy with those? I can’t say that I really am.
Now, looking further back, when I
was in Malaysia. I pretty much had some routines also, though they were
different. Monday-Friday I would be studying, and Saturday and Sunday, I would
be enjoying myself, either with my parents or my friends. I got to get out at
night, chatting with my friends, having shisha, gossiping, and there were lots
of places for me to go and hang out. Varieties of food to eat, plenty of
friends to talk to. Strangely enough, when I was doing all that, I didn’t seem
to appreciate them at all. In fact, to my utmost shame and regret, I said that I
wanted to do something different, and I couldn’t wait to leave Malaysia. And
now I am in Peshawar, as I wished, and I am telling everyone that I want to go
back? What kind of sick person am I? And
even before I did my masters, my social life was even more interesting. Those
who knew me know what I did. And yet, during that time, I still feel some sort
of emptiness in me.
It took a while for me to realize
this. Wherever we are, whatever we do, there will always be problems, there
will always be reasons for us to be unhappy. Everything depends on how we
relate and react to our situations. Back in Malaysia, instead of saying that
the life there is empty, I should have said that the life there was easy. It just depends on how I relate. Here, instead
of saying that the life here is boring and stressfull, I should say that the
life here is full of adventure. It just depend on how I relate. Learning for
all these, am I going to receive the absolute happiness once I completed my
study and go back to Malaysia? Of course the answer is No.
Before I am in Peshawar I was
having different kind of problems. When I came here, are my problems solved? Well
yea, but here I receive different problems. Once I go back to Malaysia, I certainly
will be receiving again different problems. So, in order for us to be happy, we
must know how to see things differently. If we are to find a perfect place and
situation where there is an absolute happiness, I have a bad news for u people,
u can wait till the kingdom comes and ull never be happy. Well, I think I have already exhausted this
topic.
Enjoy your holiday, and Happy New
Year.
